You never left, not really.
Always there, pushing at the edges of my subconscious.

I’ve been happy.
Not all the time, not about everything,
but happier than I can remember being for a while.

I’ve felt at peace.
Comfortable in my own skin (for maybe the first time ever).
Asking questions, even if there aren’t answers.
Learning to live in the here and the now
and to let life unfold as it will.

But I can hear your soft whispers calling.
Sometimes I can all but feel your chilly, mind-numbing mist swirling around my feet,
threatening to consume me.
And I know, deep inside,
at some point we will likely be intimate acquaintances again.

There are days it would be easier just to give in.
Life is hard. It’s scary, exhausting, defeating.
It doesn’t always seem worth the fight, when I may never be rid of you.

Yet I have tasted hope.
It reminds me there is more.

I have to believe there is more.

One day at a time,
I keep telling myself.
Not everything is outside of your control,
there are choices you do get to make.

I want to be healthy,
I want to be whole.
I want to-the-full, abundant life.

So I choose.
Even when there are not just moments, but days
when my head slips beneath the surface,
I keep on treading water.
I cherish the life-giving breaths of air when I can take them.

When the words feel stuck inside me, like I’m choking on them–
they will neither come out nor stay inside–
I will wrestle. I will find a way to say them.

And for now, inch by inch, I stay ahead of the darkness.


4 thoughts on ““Depression”

  1. Ron Beatty says:

    I would never have suspected you dealt with depression. But then isn’t that always the way it is? I do read your blog when you write. And I know you don’t know me that well, but if you ever need an ear I’m available.

  2. It makes my heart so happy that you are writing again!
    Thank you for being real…and for not giving up, but wrestling with real things and fighting for what you want with Him (and what He wants with you).

    If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
    even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

    Psalm 139: 11-12

    The darkness is not darkness to Him.

    I’m praying that He reminds you of that often.

    Miss you,

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