Where I Allow Myself to be Messy

After I started writing again, my mom called to tell me she was worried about me. And I get it, I really do. I don’t have the privilege of seeing her day in and day out anymore. We talk a few times a week, but it’s easier to hide on the phone, when I don’t have to look her in the eyes and honestly answer the question, “How are you?” (though I promise I do try to be honest).

Most of my writing comes out of tension, though. I have a lot of good days. Taken as a whole, I have a whole collection of good moments, interactions, situations, and exchanges since I have moved back to Phoenix. It’s just that I have never much been motivated to write about the good. The great? Perhaps, although those moments seem to be few and farther between. But it is the tension, the questions, the need to figure out what I know (or don’t know) that spurs me to write.

Strangely enough, for me, this blog is almost the antithesis of some of my other social media presence. Facebook becomes a snapshot of the beautiful moments, the profound thoughts, the comedic gold. It tends to be where I present the best sides of myself, if only the good moments bordering on the mundane. Here on my blog, though, is where I show the less-than-best sides of myself. Here I capture the moments I need to wrestle, the things I don’t have figured out, the words that spill out of me when I can no longer hold them in. It’s messy here. It’s not very pretty.

I have struggled with that side of writing most of my life. On my blog in the past, I regularly felt the need to tidy things up, to come to some sort of conclusion or resolution. To some extent, I still actively fight against that compulsion. But largely, I just don’t have the energy anymore. That is not to say I have no answers, or no resolution; rather that I grew unbelievably weary of trying to force them to be there in places where they hadn’t organically occurred (yet). Let’s be honest, pretending is exhausting. In beginning to write again, I simply don’t have it in me to force those areas to be neat and tidy.

I think both sides are important. I actually think Facebook is helpful in reminding me to rejoice in the small happinesses, that everything doesn’t have to be so serious. This space is helping me work through the other side of the coin; where I allow myself to be unkept, untidy, unanswered.

If you follow my blog, thank you. I hope this space, these words, are helpful to you. Thanks for joining me in this process. Thanks for being a part of my process.

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